We have come to the conclusion that our readers have common sense and realize what real men do and don’t do. (And if you don’t, read our Real Men Part I and Real Men Part II blogs to learn.) With the New Year comes new beginnings. So in the interest of new beginnings, it makes perfect sense to post pictures of REAL men and slightly-questionable men would work well with a side-by-side comparison … so you can get a fresh start on your manliness. (Shh… we won’t tell.)
AVOID: BRET MICHAELS, aka HAIR PLUGS HAIR BAND GUY
From being the frontman of the hair rock band from the 1980s, Poison, to his current status as a gameshow contestant on any given show on VH1 about love and rocks, this tool takes the tool-cake. With his leather pants and public health crises, his makeup and his hair plugs, and the contestants on his show that don’t even know the lyrics to his songs, we wish he’d go back to Obselete-ville and stop polluting society with his… Well, come to think of it, his career has nothing valuable to offer society.
ADMIRE: JOHN WAYNE
If you needed something, he was your go-to guy. He was a real man. ‘Nuff said.
AVOID: ROBERT PATTINSON, aka SPARKLY GLITTER VAMPIRE DUDE
We’ll leave Justin Beiber alone since he’s underage and probably doesn’t know any better. (But look out in a few years, kid, or you’ll find yourself on this list.) Anywho, Robert Pattinson is that guy in those vampire/warewolf movies that just makes the teenage girls’ hearts throb and simulataneously makes us want to scream, “You are NOT a man! Stop it! Stop running around the woods, pretending you are a vampire!”
ADMIRE: TED NUGENT
NRA, loud rock ‘n’ roll guitars, bows, arrows, hunting. He is a true blood brother and hero. ‘Nuff said.
AVOID: MEN OF JERSEY SHORE aka THE TOOL CASE
Just look at these guys. Who in their right mind can take them seriously? One of them calls himself “The Situation”. The only situation that I see here is that they need to be taken off of television. They are polluting the mind of anyone who watches this show.
ADMIRE: CHUCK NORRIS
Oh come on. Is there any question about his masculinity? ‘Nuff said.
Well there you have it, folks. With these three “REAL Men” blogs, you are now armed with everything it takes to groom like, act like, and BE a real man.
This is a follow-up post to the first in our series, “Socially Acceptable Grooming and Behavioral Practices for REAL Men.” As promised, the women of CollegiateCamo have written some guidelines for what we personally find socially acceptable for men to have and behave. Take heed, you may actually find yourself a normal girlfriend after reading these tips to improve your alpha-maleness.
1. You are only allowed to have these grooming items in your domicile:
- Bar soap (No fruity scents. Women are supposed to smell pretty, and we can’t do that properly if men are competing with us.)
- Razor and shaving cream
- Pomade or hair gel
- 1 to 2 bottles (maximum) of cologne
- Toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss
2. Fitness-acceptable guidelines are listed below:
- Cardiovascular activities may consist of the following: outdoor team sports, running, jogging, swimming, and cycling. Skip the Spandex outfit.
- Strength building may only consist of using a strength building machine or free weights. Those shake-weight things are 100% out of the question.
3. Living Quarters
- Your living quarters should be somewhat tidy. In other words, no one should be scared to look under the coffee table.
- An overly-clean place means that you either have too much time on your hands or you are obsessive about cleaning. Neither of these traits is acceptable for finding a mate, so there is a happy medium here. Find yours.
- You require work clothes, casual clothes and sleep clothes. Depending upon your job, you may require a suit.
- Unacceptable clothing colors: pink, salmon, chartreuse, rose, magenta, baby pink, mauve, or any other color of pink. This is a woman’s color, not a man’s.
- Rugged man clothes: sport team jerseys, hoodies, t-shirts, jeans, camo pants, cargo shorts (the seam line has to hit at the knee, nothing higher) outdoor or hunting gear. And don’t worry about the grass stains; women need to see them to know that you know how to catch a football mid-air with a graceful, grubby landing.
Did we miss something on this ultimate guide to manliness? Tell us in the comments!
The women of CollegiateCamo have been talking, and in an effort to reclaim all that is man, we are going to be producing a multi-part blog for how to get back to the origin of man without stepping back too far in time. The damage must be undone somehow. This is a social commentary on the grooming habits of the current man – as written by a woman.
Prior to my parlay into the outdoors industry a few years ago, I noticed a shocking change in American men. A new aroma was rising in our men, and this one was unfamiliar and a little bit creepy, like the smell of musk mixed with the smell of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. These observations were disturbing to say the least.
What happened to our men over the last decade? To examine the opposite gender, I had to first examine myself. I am not a girly-girl. I’m a pro-active, get things done, do this, do that, get business taken care of alpha-female. In clinical terms I am a highly-effective female. I like guns, fast cars, Chevy trucks, playing music and my most favorite and least favorite to admit — fruity rum. So, as societal standards go, I’m not your traditional female. I’d rather discuss the inner workings of a small block Chevy motor than what happened on the high-rated TV drama from last night.
So, now I examine the men. Their places are tidy, styled and painted. Their hair has more “product” than I will allow in mine in a week. Is that eyeliner (“guyliner”) I see on him? I think it’s that tattooed on eyeliner I keep hearing about. I’m going to call it perma-guyliner. I shake a man’s hand, it is softer than mine. I’m standing in line to get a burger and I overhear a man talk about his feelings. What? How did this happen? Where did all the real men go? When did they start having public therapy sessions?
Some men (and I use the term men loosely at times here) are waxed, plucked, shaved, styled, groomed into what is now being referred to as “manscaping.” I’m having a hard time believing that they are doing this on their own accord. I believe every disgruntled girlfriend or wife in America had a secret meeting with network executives for television shows and came to the consensus that men needed to be changed. They put their plan into place and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was put into production and when it premiered, I heard a caveman cry.